Time-outs and Crying It Out...

Mary, Erin, and Ashley came to stay with us for a few days (that's Ash on the left, Erin on the right, and our little 80's girl, Maya, right in the middle...let's get physical, physical)! We got a ton done while they were here. We tore down the Christmas tree, put away all the Christmas decorations, and sent out all the baby announcements. It felt good to cross some things off my ever-growing to-do list! The girls had a blast running around together for 3 days. It was fun to watch them play and interact. Maya had a time trying to communicate with the older girls, and sometimes their reactions to her attempts were quite comical. The girls spent quite a bit of time running up and down the hallways, laughing and whooping it up. One day, Erin was sitting on the floor in the living room, and Maya walked over and pushed her shoulder toward the hall, took off running, and started screaming. She got a few feet down the hall, then turned around and saw Erin still sitting on the floor. Even more determined to make her point, she ran back to her, pushed her shoulder, took off running and hollering down the hall. Again she turned around to find Erin still sitting on the floor. Disappointed, once again, she made her way back to Erin. Of course, Erin didn't know what the heck Maya was doing. I told Erin that Maya wanted them to run down the hall together, as they had done earlier in the day. Erin wasn't really interested (I think she thought Maya was being a bit spastic), and by then, Maya had given up on trying to make her point. She was onto something else. It has to be so frustrating to try to communicate via charades! She does her best, though, and typically, she gets her point across. Her vocabulary is growing more and more every day. Soon she won't have to act out what she wants because she'll be talking in sentences before we know it!

The girls left the following day, and within minutes of their departure, Maya was experiencing her very first time out. I was in the midst of changing her diaper when she started kicking me. She has done this a few times before, but this was the first time I wasn't in a hurry to finish the diaper change to get to Liam. I told her she was going to sit in time-out as soon as her new diaper was on. She didn't have a clue what I was talking about. As soon as we pulled her pants back up, into time-out she went. I sat her on the floor, in a spot visible from the living room and kitchen. I had mentally prepared myself to have to sit her back down time and time again, much like I had seen on shows such as "Supernanny" or "Nanny 911". To my surprise, she didn't move! After about 30 seconds, she got on her knees, as though she was going to get up, so I sternly told her, "Sit back down." She did. I had only intended on having her sit in time-out for 1 minute (going by the 1 minute per year of age rule). About 10 seconds until it was time for her to get up, she started crying... hard. She had her little face all scrunched up, wiping her crocodile tears away with her little hands. It was heartbreaking, but it was a sign that she knew I meant business. Success.

After getting out of time-out, I tried to sit her up to the table for lunch, but she burst into tears. Clearly she was tired and needed a nap. Liam was sleeping quietly in the bassinet, so I headed upstairs with Maya. I knew Liam would need to eat soon, so I was going to read one book to Maya and put her into bed. Sure enough, about the time we reached the top of the stairs, Liam woke up and started to cry. I didn't want to just throw Maya into her bed and high-tail it back downstairs, so my only choice was to let Liam cry for a bit while I tucked Maya in. Well, turns out, she was taking forever to pick a book, so I just picked one. She started crying, too, so I ended up having to put her in her bed and walk out the door. By the time I had returned downstairs, Liam had cried himself to sleep. I was not happy. I do NOT believe in letting babies "cry it out", so I was mortified that he had been subjected to that type of parenting by default! I never let Maya cry it out, and she turned out to be a great sleeper. I intend to help Liam in the same way. The problem is
that I am only one person with two babies. They are different ages, so therefore, they are on different schedules, needing different things at different times. I can't be there each time they start to cry. Unfortunately, I feel like it's harder on Maya to be left to cry, so when I actually have the choice of who to tend to first, most of the time, I pick Maya. If Liam needs to eat, I always feed him first, but if it's just a matter of needing to be held or comforted, sometimes he has to wait... like today.

It wasn't long before he woke up again to eat. I gathered him up, sat down on the couch, and just started bawling. I felt horrible to have put Maya in time-out, when she is clearly acting out because she's craving attention from me that I can't always give her. I felt bad that I put Maya into her bed in tears, when I feel like now, more than ever, she needs my reassurance, comfort, and love. I felt equally bad that Liam had been left to cry alone downstairs, when he is just a helpless newborn, trying to establish early bonds of trust by calling out to those who are supposed to love and provide for him. What kind of mother am I? Though I love Liam dearly, since he has come along, I find it impossible to be the mother I want to be to either of my children. No matter what I do, I feel like one of them is suffering some sort of injustice. Maya never wanted for attention for a solid 19 months. Now, the one-on-one time that we shared all day long every day has been drowned out by the cries of a hungry baby. Poor Liam will never know what it's like to have one-on-one attention until Maya starts preschool. I'm doing the best that I can, but being that I'm my own worst critic, I'm the first to say that my best just isn't good enough. I felt like I was a great mom when it was just Maya, and now I feel like my parenting is just so-so.

When will I get this figured out? When will all this Mommy-guilt go away? When will I return to being a "great" mom, instead of just mediocre? Someday soon, I hope. I'm tired of feeling like I'm barely surviving these days and that my kids are suffering because of my inability to balance this life and my time. When does it get easier?